Surrender, and listen.

Yesterday was a really, really bad day. But my eyes are very open now to what the Lord has been wanting me to see for some time, I believe. The Lord has strategically placed 3 people in my life over the last two weeks to open my eyes to the fact that I am not surrendering, and I'm not listening to anything He has to say. The first one made me really think about things....and ponder some things that I really have not let go of, that I should have. I'm not doing the best job at that...but I am conciously working on that, and thinking about things that I can change. Not the things that everybody else can change...which is what I tend to think about way too often. The next person, stopped me randomly in the hallway of the kids school, and out of the blue...told me, "I haven't told you what the Lord is telling me now."...then proceeded to tell me that the Lord was calling her to homeschool her 4 kids, one of which is entering high school next year. She doesn't want to, doesn't really feel capable right now...but clearly has heard from the Lord that He is calling her to. He's not even just calling her to just do it, but He is calling her to pour her life into it. We talked for probably an hour about what the Lord has spoken to her. I realized then, for the second time in a week or so, that I am so stinkin busy that I just don't really hear from the Lord anymore. She asked how the store was, and I started telling her how I thought it was for a season, but that I'd like to sell it. Which I do. I don't generally tell people that though these days, I tell them it's great! Then, yesterday afternoon, I found out that a project that I had been working for months on at work, was handed to my competitor on a silver platter. It seems a touch shady to be perfectly honest. I had worked with specific people looking for some specific items, and they ordered it from me. But, someone in the higher ups, decided to ask my competitor for a bid, not ask me, and give the job to my competitor. I literally felt like the wind was knocked out from me. I cannot even tell you how upset it was. Immediately, my first reaction was..."that's it! I'm closing it down!!". And then I realized a conversation I had had in the spring with the 3rd person the Lord strategically placed in my life. In the spring, I desperately wanted to sell the store...my heart was at home with the kids, but my mind was very preoccupied with everything at the store. I had counseled with this person, who knows me inside and out....and she confirmed what I was feeling. She told me that it was clear to her that I should sell the store, based on everything I had been telling her over the time, but I couldn't flounder on my decision. At the time...I thought, "I'm not floundering....I want to sell it, no questions asked.". But as we did my taxes, and realized how much money I really made....and then I floundered. There was no way I could sell it, and not have that money. So, as all this came up...all I could think about was how the Lord had given me the opportunity to sell it, and I truthfully felt like I was supposed to sell it...but I let money get in my way, and went outside of His will. I firmly believe He is trying to speak to me, and has been since about December of last year....but I am simply not listening. I then spoke to that 3rd person again yesterday afternoon, and it was as if she knew this was coming...she's been experiencing similar things in her life. It's so hard when the Lord is telling you to do something, but you literally cannot figure out how it will work, if you obey. I don't know where the extra money will come from if I sell it. I don't know how we will have any extras in our life. And truthfully, I don't know who would buy it, and pay us what is needed....since I have just recently restocked the entire store!!! Maybe He's just wanting me to be obedient....or maybe not. Maybe He's got so many much bigger plans....for all of us involved in the Depot! But I know, that I know, I've got to trust Him. In all things....not just our financial state. And then I ask myself...why is that so hard to do...with ALL that He's shown me personally that He is capable of doing. Surrender. What a hard word.