Middle School anyone????

Does anyone out there remember middle school. I do as if it were yesterday. I remember my first kiss, (which was weirdly at church camp!! Scary thought!) I remember akward dances, popular girls, knee high socks and 'walking' shorts. I am so thankful I'm past that, and would never, ever want to go back there. Now, I am just physically having a hard time believing I have a middle school child. He just cannot possibly be that old. But he is. Well, tonight he crossed over a right of passage that all middle schoolers have to at some point in time or another. He went to his first dance. There have already been several he's been invited to that I would not let him go to. (Yes, I'm almost always the mean mom that won't let her kid do anything...but in this world, I don't really see that I have a choice.) And frankly, this dance was a big no-no for quite awhile. I was NOT comfortable with it, and my decision to let him go was made against every rational thought I had in my body. I just tell him no so many times, I thought if I didn't let him do something, I would suffocate him, and he would rebel. (Any other psycho-analyzing parents out there?) As any other good suffocating mother would do, I stayed 30 minutes into the dance, and got there 30 minutes early to pick him up. That left only technically 1 hour that I couldn't supervise. There were plenty of parents there, and the kids are really fairly good. In the final 30 minutes of the dance, (that last part that I was there to watch), Chandler slow danced with his new little 'girlfriend' twice. At first I had to walk out of the room. I really freaked out!! And what freaked me out more was that NONE of the other parents were freaking out. They were just laughing and having a ball, while I wanted to sob, and scream, stop!!! It really was very innocent, classic junior high slow dance. Arms stretched as far as they'll go, and most of the girl's were taller than the guys....typical stuff. And it would have been sweet too, if they were just a year or two or three older. I just wonder if they are doing this now at 12, what is out there for 15? We are pushing our kids into adulthood WAY too soon. Of course, this is all my humble opinion, and you are free to disagree if you'd like. And this one little dance certainly isn't the end of the world. He had a ball, and all of his friends did as well. But, oh the memories it brought back. I can't possibly be that old can I?????

No TA's

I'm fairly tired of this wait. In the adoption world, there is so much competition regarding who's wait is harder. I find that a peculiar argument to have. But, so it is. Is it harder if you have no kids, or more kids. Harder before or after the referral? Harder to wait for LOA, or TA? I have no answer to any of these questions for anyone else. I just know that for me personally, knowing my daughter is half way around the world in an orphanage, while I am going on living my life, is hard. Not overwhelmingly hard, but just an akward hard. Sometimes I feel like I should feel guilty for just living daily life while she is stuck there. Then other times, I get SO wrapped up in daily schedules, that the wait goes by the wayside. But, just like the same old record I keep playing, here it comes again.... I am surprised to report that our agency did not receive any travel approvals this week. I thought maybe one particular family would have gotten theirs, but alas, no such luck. So, I'm slightly discouraged regarding what that means for us. They are about 12 days ahead of us in terms of when our Letter of Acceptance was received. The other not so great news is that there is a 'holiweek' in China next week. The CCAA will be closed because of this holiday for the entire week. Which means, more than likely if we don't get it Monday or Tuesday, then we won't get it all next week. Bummer. I keep holding on to the fact that our family coordinator still feels like our travel is 'favorable' for October 25th. I feel very conflicted in my hopes for this date. I am still holding onto my strong belief that the Lord's timing is perfect. I DO NOT want to go one day before the Lord wants me to go. I really, really don't. However, I am so very much ready to go and get back. I feel like for 2 1/2 years I have thought so much about adoption. Who are we going to adopt? When will we adopt? From where will we adopt? Will it be a boy or a girl? Will we really even ever adopt at all?? I have saved so many things over the years with the uncertainty of what our future held. When the wait for China became SO incredibly long, we did become certified as foster and adoptive parents here in our state. For awhile I became convinced that we would be receiving a child that was neglected or abused right here in our own area. We were extremely vague in the limits we would put on what type of child we would accept to be in our family. We basically opened up our hearts to anyone. I just KNEW adoption was for us. My goal was to open every door, and then to have the Lord shut every door that He wanted shut. It is so strange to me how strongly he flew this door open!! That all is basically a bunch of rambling to say only that I'm ready to have Jillian, ready to get ourselves on a schedule, ready to move forward with my final family. And if I have to wait one more week to do that, I suppose I'll be just fine.

Just to recap...

So, just to recap....we are now waiting for TA, (Travel Approval). We sent our LOI, (Letter of Intent to Adopt) on July 13th. We received our LOA, (Letter of Acceptance of our Letter of Intent to Adopt) on September 17th. We MUST receive our TA before we can get a CA, (court appointment). All this means, that if we don't hurry and get our TA soon, we may not be able to get a CA with the group that's leaving October 25th. My family coordinator told me yesterday that she still feels like it's favorable that we will be leaving October 25th. From the last group of NSN, (non special needs) referrals, there were quite a few children that are being adopted from Guangxi. That means that we would have American friends with us while traveling, and an actual group to participate in functions with. If we miss this group, we will most likely be on our own while there. As much as I want to leave October 25th, I could argue that it would be better if we left on November 1st. I could still go on Chandler's field trip with him, and I could also participate in the church fall festival with all the kids. Flights might be more expensive coming home as we get closer to Thanksgiving. That would be a huge burden, so scratch that whole train of thought. Come on TA...we need a CA!!!!!

Overwhelmed.....again.....

Boy, when I say roller coaster of emotions....I really, really mean it. I did still feel relatively calm today. I had a great morning with the children. Collin even lost a tooth, which he was THRILLED about!! It was also a surprisingly great day at the store. Even on a rainy, nasty day like today which normally shuts all traffic to a halt. I left work, and went to one of our local schools for a 'prayer walk'. Our church is part of a local ministry that supports schools through prayer and mentor ship. While I was walking and praying, I got very nostalgic for some reason. Since I own a teacher's supply store, I know very many of the teacher's at the particular school I was walking around. There are really some fantastic, Christian teachers in our area. We are so blessed!!! However, when I started praying for the neighborhood around it, I just felt sad for some reason. This is a middle class neighborhood, with some smaller houses than is 'fashionable' these days. I found myself wishing that was still the norm. Mother's still home with their children. Children with only a few pairs of shoes instead of 10. When did 'stuff' become so important. Of course, my finger is pointed at myself as well. I would love for my husband to have a nicer car, for us to have new floors, and furniture, etc. Why is that?? Then, after feeling such nostalgia, we went and grabbed a bite to eat, and headed home. In my mailbox was an envelope without markings, other than my name and address. In it, I found $40.00 with a note that said "for your trip to China, and for your new daughter". I was SO touched. I have no idea at all who sent this to me...(I mean to us. :) ) Such kindness from possibly a stranger, or a close friend...who knows.

Then I came in and checked my email while the children played a game. In my inbox was an email from my family coordinator from my agency with the subject as: "Travel preparations..." I know that I'm traveling to China in one month. Why did that throw me into a tizzy? It's as if it took someone else to acknowledge the fact that I'm going to China. I am actually getting Jillian in one month. Could it really be?? I'm nervous, excited, and even frantic to some point. Have I done all that needs to be done?? Prescriptions are done....paperwork is mostly done.... what else??? Regardless of what is done, and left to be done, in the end, I will have my Jillian. I can't wait to share her with everyone!!

Catching my breath....

I think I'm catching my breath. Key phrase is...I think. I'm trying to get all my orders done at the store before it's too late for me to check on them. Tomorrow I should complete them. That will give me 2 - 3 weeks to get them in, checked in, and figure out what I might have mistakenly not ordered. I'm trying to pack an item or two per day. Progress.....progress is good. I'm making progress with my attitude as well. I am finding a twinge of myself becoming excited. (that might be the prescription of Ambien waiting for me at the pharmacy though!! LOL!!) Oddly enough, I'm trying to guard myself from one way or another. I don't know if that even makes any sense at all. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me. I just want to remain calm. I tend to go to opposite extremes....super happy, super excited, or super scared. My goal this week is to sit back, and enjoy the ride. This could be so much fun....like the amazing race. I am feeling SO many prayers from across the country. People from SO many churches have amazingly stepped on board with prayer. Several ladies at my church are seemingly about to burst with excitement. Seeing people so excited has drastically helped my attitude as well. The Lord is once again meeting me right at the point I where I need Him. I am overwhelmingly thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people!!!

When it Rains it Pours.....

I spoke with my agency a day or two ago and asked them what their confidence level was that we would be traveling on the 25th. She said it was 'very likely'. Of course, China can do what they want, but I really liked the 'very likely' confidence level. It's so nice knowing, within a week or two, when we will be traveling. I can plan which clothes to wear, which clothes to bring for Jillian, etc. At the same time I'm writing the information down from my agency, I realize October 25th is one of the biggest days of the year for my middle school son's class. The one major field trip of the year is that day. Traveling down to Baton Rouge, meeting Mike the Tiger, and doing all kinds of fun 'stuff'. I was honored when Chandler's teacher asked me to come along as one of the chaperone's, but it's looking like I'll have to bow out. Which also means Chandler won't be able to be with us at the airport. I don't know why that bummed me out so much. I'll see him at the house before I leave, so that should be fine, right?? And it will be. I'll be glad he'll be doing something REALLY fun the day we are traveling. He'll have good bragging rights on the bus trip down there. LOL!!

ALSO, he found out this week that he made All state choir. I let him try out for this not having ANY idea what I was doing. That concert is also in Baton Rouge, but it's October 13th. So, back to Baton Rouge. Thankfully, my dad lives there, so we will not have to fork out the money for a hotel room. Praise the Lord for small wonders!!!

ALSO, my friends from church have graciously offered to give me a shower on October 6th, which is ALSO the same day as my garage sale to continue to try to raise money for this mission we have stepped out on faith to accomplish!! Not to mention traveling to Jackson to get refingerprinted on October 2nd.

So, basically after months, and months of just waiting, we are now kicking every aspect of our life into high gear. Wow, I'm kind of tired just reading all of that!!

Stress, what stress?????

That is a picture of Guangxi province in China. That is where Jillian is. We've been told her province is beautiful...much like Hawaii. What better place to have to go to, right?? I think reality is really sinking in. In approximately 1 month I will be on a plane, (ok, several planes) heading for China to pick up my daughter. My daughter that is already almost 1 and 1/2 years old, but that I only found out was alive on June 26th. This LONG, frustrating, depressing, joyous, maddening, yet fulfilling journey is almost complete. It's so difficult for me to imagine really. Maybe because I don't have updated pictures. Maybe because from day one, I have said, "I'll believe it when I have her in my arms". Maybe because I can't imagine that I might actually muster the courage to step on all those planes. Flying to Colorado 2 years ago almost did me in. Flying to China....what am I thinking??!!

Here She Is

Now that China has officially accepted us to be Jin Yu Lu's parents, we can post her picture where ever we'd like. As most of you know though, I am not a 'post pictures online' kind of person, but in this instance I just couldn't resist. I was SO hoping for some updated pictures, but I have not received any as of yet. My comfort is that in about 5 weeks or so I will get to see her in person!!

LOA!!!!!

Oh my goodness!!!!! Our LOA has finally arrived!!! We will more than likely be traveling October 25th. If we can't get a court appt., then we will be traveling November 1st. Either way, we will have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!!!

Fingerprint Appointment!!!!!!!!!!

We have a fingerprint appointment!! Which means USCIS did receive our paperwork, and it was ok!! Our appointment is October 2nd in Jackson!! WOOHOO!!!! We don't have to go back to New Orleans after all!!! I'm so thankful!!!

It's Fall Ya'll!!!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in the last few days. There really has been no news. But, hey, no news is good news, right?? LOL!!!! I have been busy getting snacks bought for the trip, and working on finding suitcases, going through clothes. My mother came over again this weekend...(yay!!)...and we went through rubbermaids of clothes that have been in the attic for years now. We have been saving both boys and girls clothes just in case we got a boy. Clearly we know that's not going to happen, so we are able to get rid of lots of boy clothes. While going through the containers, I found a good bit of Madison's clothes from when she was 1 and 2. Some of my all time favorites were in there too. I was so thankful to find them, and I can't wait to see Jillian wear them. I really thought they were long gone. I got so nostalgic looking through all those clothes. Some of the clothes I had saved were from when my 11 yr. old was a baby. I know he's not old by any stretch of the imagination, but it really does seem like yesterday when he was wearing these little outfits. Now he's in middle school...when did that happen???? I know this wait is seeming like forever, but time truly does go by fast. I know we will blink, and we will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary with Jillian. My children are so ready to see her....to have her here. Madison started asking me last night about Jillian's life in the orphanage. I could tell she was getting a little emotional, but I really didn't know how much she had thought about this. She started telling me how she had wondered what it would be like to not have any parents at all, and then she just broke down crying. I know there is alot going on in her little mind right now. School is harder than expected this year, we are leaving for 2 weeks and she is now seeing the suitcases, and baby clothes are finally being bought. But, I really think she was heartbroken. The Lord has given her a gift of compassion, of which I am so thankful. She'll probably end up with a house full of pound puppies, and her heart will break for children and people that are the 'have nots'. The Lord has really worked on her heart the last year or two. I can tell He is pouring His spirit into her. For really, this is what He has called us to...I am surely not the only one being affected by this adoption. There really is no telling how many lives will be touched by Jillian's life.

Adoption Friends Heading to China!!!!

Several of the families that received referals the same day we did, are heading to China tomorrow. I'm so excited to follow their journey!! I'm also thankful it's not me. I know you are probably totally confused, but their process has gone SO fast, it's scary. Some of them got their travel approval yesterday. Yes, they found out yesterday that they are leaving Friday or Saturday. I am pretty sure I would be an emotional basket case in that situation. However, it has made me aware that this can happen. I need to prepare now!!! I am going to try to round up some suitcases that I can start packing into. Then, I'll be ready for whenever. Jillian's 'stuff' is not going to change, so I need to go ahead and pack that. My basics are not going to change, so I can pack that. I'm going to work on a list and start checking things off, one by one!!! I can do this....breathe...breathe....breathe!!!

No LOA's for my group.

LOA'S are arriving.........

I don't know how I've let myself do this, but my hopes are up again today. Well, the thing that really has my hope up, is that July is officially out of the review room. And has been for a few days, officially, but we've more than likely been out of the review room for a little while now. I know that means little to you not in the adoption process, but it's good news for us. So, literally we could get the call any day. I'm still trying to stick to my mantra, "God's timing is perfect", but it's hard for me not to pray for it to come today. I'll start to, and then I'll stop, and say, "no Lord, you know best, not me". The Lord is really using this entire process to humble me I think. My whole life, I've put way too much of myself in the picture. I always said I would NEVER marry a pastor, (my dad was a pastor), and I've married one. I always said I would NEVER stay in the town I'm in forever. Now, we've been here since 1984. I have to remember, what I think is THE way, is just not always the RIGHT way. And what I pray for, is not really what I want, I just don't know it yet. I'm thankful today for His guidance. I truly don't know how people live life without the Lord.

Just Testing

We are trying a test today. Since Becky posted so much wonderful information on her blog, I learned that in Nanning, blogger is blocked. So, my sister-in-law is going to post my posts for me while I'm in China. I still have a hard time believing that it's actually going to happen one day. I'm going to China. I get butterflies when it sinks in. Anyway, so I'm emailing this to her, and she is going to attempt to copy and paste it into blogger for me. If it appears on my blog, you know we have a plan for China!! Woohoo!!!

No news is good news......really?

Have you ever heard that???? "Well, I guess no news is good news!". That clearly is not the case for us. It's not that I'm desperate to go now or anything mind you. Need I remind you, God's timing is perfect.... But, it would certainly be ideal if we had a clue. No LOA'S came today, anywhere. The last 2 weeks they have come on Wednesday's. I suppose I'll be sitting by the phone on Wednesday. Not really. I'll be so productive I'll look like the Tasmanian devil from bug's bunny. The thought of that just makes me laugh out loud. I could more accurately describe myself on an average work day as one of those small breed dogs that runs in circles chasing it's tail. That truly is a good picture of what I seem to do all day long. Really. Ask my workers. One project started, another one started, another one started, with no end in sight for any of them!!!

Anyhoo, just for everyone's knowledge...we will more than likely not be traveling in October, even if we get approved to. There is a chance we could leave on October 25th, and this is the goal for several in my yahoo group, but I know how many people around the world are going to be fighting for those court appts., so I'm not getting my hopes up. What's happening is...in Guanghzou, China, October is the biggest month of the entire year. Two solid weeks of trade fairs, and then the first week in October is a national holiday. So, we would more than likely not be able to get a hotel room in this city, at this time. Or any surrounding cities for that matter, and if we could it would be outrageously expensive. My agency only sends people during this time of year if they specifically request it, and have the money for it. Which, we of course do not. We don't even have the money for the regular fees at this point in time!! LOL!!! Of course, I do know solidly that the Lord will work all that out, and I am working like a mad dog painting my paintings to sell in the store. 100% of that money goes directly to the adoption, and they are catching on pretty well. So, in a round about way, I've let y'all know that we will have more time to save money, and more time to have my paperwork processed....thankfully. I do want Jillian so desperately, but I know there are things here that MUST be done, and we are working on them. I did get my paperwork fed ex'd back to New Orleans today, so pray they process it quickly, and without glitches. Again, LOL!!!

So, that's a rundown for the day. Really just a bunch of nothing. But, hey, no news is good news, right?

What a blessing!!

We had a guest speaker at church today. I had totally forgotten that one of our favorite speakers...John Ragsdale...was going to be there. And boy, was he there for me. Isn't that just like the Lord. He put someone right where I needed them, right when I needed it. I literally cried the entire service. His words were SO perfect for me. He took a very common verse..Jeremiah 29:11, and broke it down like I had never heard before. He went back to the original text, and Hebrew meanings. Just thinking about it now makes me tear up. The Lord has a perfect plan for me, (and you) and HE knows what it is. It's not for me to know...I just have to follow Him. If I thought for one minute this wasn't His will, I would run, but I know without a doubt it is. I have never questioned that. It all boils down to trust. Just like I was talking about it an earlier post, about being afraid. There is NO reason for me to be afraid, for He is in control. He is in control of it all!!!! He even talked about death, and why are we afraid of dying? Do we fight it kicking and screaming?? For if we die, do we not trust the Lord to take care of whatever is left behind?? Subjects that I've never heard talked about from the pulpit, but EXACTLY what I needed to hear TODAY!!! For the first time in a long time, I am at peace in my soul. Tonight he's coming back to speak of rest. I'm bringing my own box of tissue this time. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do.

USCIS.....UGH!!!!

Well I've got a surprise to tell you today....I hate the USCIS!!!! I got a brown envelope in the mail today with all of my paperwork in it, declaring that I sent it to the wrong location. And now, I would have to re send it to the correct location. Since we live in Louisiana, the New Orleans office has been closed due to Katrina. I was really thinking the New Orleans office would be open by now, (as I mentioned in an earlier post), so I called to confirm it. The USCIS recording specifically says that for my zip code to mail my paperwork to Memphis. Which is exactly what I did. The paperwork I received back today states that it MUST be sent to New Orleans for processing!!! UGH!!!!! Which means, I've lost another week of processing time. Stress! I'm oddly thankful I've not received my LOA now, as I would be panicking!!! For now, I'm just crazy frustrated!!! As anyone else that has had to deal with USCIS will tell you I'm sure. Please pray that when I fed ex it back on Monday, it will get processed quickly!!! I'm going to bed tonight, thankful for church tomorrow. Not that I can't spend time with the Lord here at my house, but it really is different at church for me. I'm holding onto the scripture, (paraphrased), though sorrow may last for the night, JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!!! WOOHOO!!! I'm ready for the morning!! LOL!!!

I do have some good news though, my mom came over and worked me to half to death. By the time she left, I was about to fall asleep standing up. Well, maybe it was bathing my border collie, and the allergy attack that ensued afterward that did that, but oh well. We got all the quilt squares cut, and laid out, and she took it all with her to finish up the top. We also did get quite a few things sorted through. And she cooked for my kids, and cleaned my kitchen. I was SO thankful!!! The workers at my store got some of the mess organized there too, so I woke up today feeling MUCH less under pressure. I have made my list for Monday, and I refuse NOT to do it all!! That little boost from 2 of my stress points have really got me motivated!! I might even start tonight....wow, what's gotten into me???

I found it, I found it!!!!

When I went to search my room once again, evidently one of the folders in my rubbermaid had fallen out, and slipped under the bed. In that amazingly wonderful folder is my original 171!!! So, I just need my fingerprint appt., and we'll be set!!! I'm so ready to get all this paperwork done, and have my baby in my arms!!! I really feel like those who adopt, not only from China, but from anywhere, should be awarded some sort of gold medal for mental stamina!!! Roller coaster going up now...or is it going down??!! LOL!!!!


Update: I thought, for those of you not in the adoption world, I needed to explain what the 171 is. That's not the full technical name, but essentially, it is the document that allows Jillian to come back into the country with me. Without it, she cannot enter the states. And a certified copy doesn't count....it MUST be THE original. No exceptions. That might help you understand why it turned into a total meltdown. LOL!!! In this process, really SO much rides on several pieces of paper. Crazy isn't it!

Meltdown Number 1

I knew it was coming. I really did. I've been very overwhelmed with work, the house, (or pigsty, whichever you'd like to call it right now!!), the adoption, and I knew it was coming. I've been trying to take a little time out here and there to do mindless things like get on myspace, or blog, etc. But, nevertheless, today it happened. I decided today was going to be THE day that I got my paperwork finished, and faxed over. No big deal. Let me gather the paperwork that I need from my rubbermaid, where EVERYTHING is kept for the adoption. Gee, that's strange, where is my most important document?? My 171???? OMG, it's not here!!! I have no idea where it is really. I NEVER take it out of the rubbermaid, ever. I right now don't know where it is. I have sent in my application to receive a new one, since the original will be expiring, so my Social Worker thinks it's not a big deal. Now, if I can just get the new one we will be good. So, I have to pray, pray, pray that the USCIS will process my paperwork properly, and in a timely fashion. (LOL!!! ~~ NOT!!!) Anyway, when I first realized it wasn't here, I was ok, but the longer the morning went on, I couldn't help it. The tears started flowing, and the official meltdown occured. I am so thankful my mom is coming over tonight to help me finish Jillian's quilt, and to help me with the house. Tomorrow is going to be a fresh start!!!!! Paperwork is going to be done, and at least one project will be finished!!! Praise the Lord!

No LOA this week.....

Another day of mixed emotions. For the first time today, I really expected to maybe get that phone calling letting us know we had received our Letter of Acceptance. I knew it wasn't really probable, but for the first time in this process, I guess I let my guard down, and my hopes up. During this crazy process, our dossier has been moved from room to room at the China Center from Adoption Affairs. One of the rooms is called the 'review room.' Supposedly, once you are out of the review room, you get processed faster. Rumors have it, that most of my original month is out of the review room, so that infamous call could really come anyday. Again, I absolutely, positively refuse to pray for God to speed things up, etc. I will only pray for His timing to be perfect. He knows what is best, and I don't trust myself enough to pray for something that big. This entire process has been His perfect plan, and my opinion of what I think needs to happen is totally irrelevant. I am praying though, that if His timing is later rather than sooner, to keep just keep Jillian's health improving. He can do it, and I'm not worried about it at all....really, I'm not. I'd love to not even recognize her when she is brought in the room to meet us. Although, I'd also love to get updated pictures as well!!

On the other side of my mixed emotion roller coaster, one of the members of our yahoo group that had been waiting 140 days, (that's 140 days from when they sent their LOI to now), finally got their LOA. I have been praying for this family, and for their child in China. He has an unrepaired cleft lip and palette, and is very, very weak and small. If you think about it, say a prayer for him when you read this. China's policies can be very frustrating at times, especially when a child is at the end of the red tape. I do wonder at times, many times, what is really happening behind the scenes. So many rooms to get through, so many i's to dot, and t's to cross. Oddly enough, China was not my heart when I started this adoption. It just wasn't. The Ukraine was. My heart was 100% full for the orphans of the Ukraine. But, once again, the Lord gently nudged His will into our own plans, and made them His own. And just as always happens, my heart has changed along with His. My heart breaks for the children in China now. Not that it doesn't break for the children in the Ukraine, or Russia, or Guatemala, or even the children lost in our own insane system here in the USA. But the reality of it is, China is where the Lord has picked out my daughter for me. And I'm ready to meet her.

No LOA in sight....

I've looked and looked, and it doesn't appear that ANYONE has heard any hint of LOA's arriving. Nowhere. As a general rule, that means we wait another week, but there is a chance we could get word tomorrow. There is talk on one website that they "may" receive some LOA's tomorrow. Last week, they arrived on Wednesday, so we'll see.....

I hate being afraid!

I think fear is something I've dealt with my entire life. I even remember as a small child being afraid of the closet, etc. I look back now, and think how silly to be afraid of the closet. The closet can't kill you, say, like a plane crash can. I totally understand logically the statistics are SO far in my favor of a plane crash NOT happening, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind. When we got the referral of my precious Jillian, I almost said no to her, because I was afraid to fly that long. Of course, I then realized how utterly ridiculous that was, and had to say yes. And I'm so thankful I did. It's just these restless nights when I can't seem to turn my mind off that I have my 'freak out' moments as I like to call them. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Normally, my freak out day would be Monday, but since Monday is a holiday this week, no letters of acceptances were given. They will come on Tuesday, if they come at all. I have a feeling ours definitely 'could' come. That's not to say it will...Lord knows it's not a word from Him or anything, but it is very much in the realm of possibility. Because of that, I've gotten myself all worked up in a tizzie. Every day of this process, not only does Jillian become more real in my mind as my daughter, but the fact that I am going to have to step on all those various planes, and leave my other children for 2 weeks also becomes just as real. I KNOW this is what the Lord called me to do. I KNOW IT!!! So, why am I afraid? Do I not trust His perfect will?? I keep assuming the Lord is working on my heart to want Jillian SO desperately that the fear will go away, but it is still trying to creep it's pointed head back in every once in awhile. And when it does, it's a doozy. I've been reading alot of blogs lately, following their trips to China. And they all seem to do ok going, but the trip home, has been described as 'grueling' more than once. How can I avoid that???? My friend told me that her trip home was 'heavy turbulence, with a vommitting baby with diarrhea.' Oh My Goodness!!! Can I handle this???? Really, can I???? I know I can, but I am really worried. Please Lord, help me trust you, whole heartedly!!

Update.........

Ok, so i've accomplished nothing in terms of my goals today. There's still time left though....and I did make my miss priss her favorite dinner.....corn and crawfish bisque with a side of steamed broccoli. Does that count for anything??! LOL!! Check back at midnight and surely I will have accomplished something!!

Goals for the Day.......

I love that picture of that train...moving full steam ahead. I'm trying to let it motivate me to get moving. My goals for the day are to finish my travel paperwork and fax them over to Ashley. Print out the list of prescriptions I need and fax them over to my doctor. And clean all the scrapbooking stuff off my kitchen table before my husband blows a gasket.

I thought maybe, just maybe if I put these in writing somewhere, I might actually get them done!! For all of my faithful followers out there, (that would be you mom), cheer me on!!!